When jealousy and comparison wear you down

Jealousy is not a strange feeling

A friend's promotion, a coworker's praise, an acquaintance's travel photos: almost everyone has felt a small sting at news like this. On our own it is hard to tell whether we are doing well, so we gauge where we stand by looking at the people around us. There is no need to be ashamed of the urge to compare. The problem is not feeling jealous but letting that feeling take over your day or turn into actions that damage relationships. Focusing on how to handle the feeling is more realistic than trying to make it disappear.

What jealousy tells you

Jealousy does not show up for just anyone. When someone gets ahead in an area you do not care about, you barely notice. If one particular person keeps stinging, they may have something you want. Writing down exactly what it is, whether recognition, a stable life, free time or creative success, turns a vague ache into a list of things you want. Once you name it, you get some room to think about what to do instead of being dragged along by the feeling.

Envy and spite are different

Two feelings can look alike while pointing in different directions. Envy is closer to wishing you could be like that, and used well it becomes motivation. Spite is closer to wishing the other person would lose what they have, and it easily spills into belittling or gossip. When jealousy rises, check which way you are leaning. Leaning toward spite does not make you a bad person. Just remember that acting on it ends up hurting both you and the relationship.

Why comparison is rigged

What we see of other people is usually a curated selection. People mostly share good news, flattering photos and moments of success, and rarely show their failures and worries. You, on the other hand, know every dull and anxious part of your own life. That sets up an unfair contest between someone's best moments and your ordinary day. You also cannot see the time, luck and circumstances behind where they are now. When comparison hurts, remind yourself that what you are seeing is only a slice of their life.

Steps to try when jealousy rises

In the heat of the moment, nothing seems to work. Moving slowly through these steps helps you step back instead of being swept away.

• Silently name it: I am feeling jealous right now
• Write one line about exactly what you envy
• Ask whether you really want it, or only because others say it is good
• If you do want it, pick one tiny action you can take this week

Shape an environment with less comparison

Willpower alone rarely stops comparison. Changing the settings that trigger it works better. The longer you scroll through other people's updates, the more material you have to compare against.

• If certain accounts sting every time, mute them or turn off their notifications for a while
• Skip other people's updates before bed or when you are worn out
• Track your progress against yourself a few months ago, not against others
• Now and then, write down what you already have and what you have done

When you envy someone close

Feeling jealous of a close friend, sibling or partner adds guilt on top of the sting. Hiding it by avoiding them or offering half-hearted congratulations slowly pulls you apart. Even when your feelings are tangled, offer short, sincere congratulations and sort out your own emotions separately. If the relationship is close enough, lightly admitting that you were a bit envious can help. Owning up to jealousy can actually bring people closer.

If it keeps hurting

If comparison and jealousy have been costing you sleep for weeks, if the thought that you are worthless keeps coming back, or if daily life is getting hard, it is better to talk to a doctor, psychiatrist or counselor than to endure it alone. Local mental health services may also offer counseling, so check official information where you live. This article is not a test or diagnosis. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a local crisis line or emergency services right away.